Mother and Brother

Over the past 12 months my mother went from primary caregiver for herself and my mentally disabled brother to a nursing home and it has not been easy.  She suffered a stroke and  heart attack in August 2010.  We were very grateful that my brother was there, although he panicked, he knew to go next door and get her neighbor.  They called 911 and got her to the hospital where she spent two weeks before being placed in a rehab center. 

My brother is the oldest of the six of us and was diagnosed with mental retardation and epilepsy at birth.  The doctors told my mom he would not live past the age of 2.  That was in 1954.  Because of my moms strong faith she never gave in to the things the doctors told her.  She took care of my brother and taught him to be as normal as possible.  She never allowed us to treat him different.  And believe me he got his fair share of spankings.  Over the years his epilepsy went from mild to severe but with medication it has been under control for years.  Because of his severe limitations and the seizures he has never been able to live on his own.  He is considered high functioning but mentally delayed. 

The months leading up to my moms stroke I had tried to convince her that they couldn't continue living in their home.  She has a number of health problems including blindness caused by Glaucoma not to mention the aging factor.  No matter how hard I begged for her to let me find placement for them or move them to North Carolina with me she would not budge.  During her hospital stay I made my move.  She was to be placed in nursing care for her rehabilitation period.  I worked with hospital social workers to get her placed.  Our original plan was to move my brother into the same facility with her so they could stay together.  However, those plans fell through because the state would not allow my brother to move to the facility because he was considered "high functioning".   That's when I started to panic.  I had been in Alabama for two weeks and once mom was placed in the rehab facility I needed to return to work.  At this point I had no idea what I was going to do about my brother.

I have other siblings in Alabama but their homes were not big enough or their schedules would not permit them to help with my brother.  I had no choice but to bring him back to North Carolina with me.  It was Labor Day weekend when we got home and luckily my husband had planned his vacation for the next two weeks.  That was great because it gave us two weeks to find somewhere for my brother.  My husband spent the first week of his vacation making phone calls to social service agencies in the area to assist with placement.  On Friday he struck gold.  He found an adult care home about 10 minutes from our home.  My brother would have his own room and someone to care after him 24 hours a day.  We worked out a schedule where he would stay at the care home Sunday evening to Friday afternoon of each week.  He spends the weekends at our house.  And if we decide we need a break or we have plans on the weekends he can stay at the care home.

We have adjusted to our new life.  Sometimes it's stressful because I feel guilty if I don't want to pick him up for the weekend. That is something I will have to continually work on.  And financially it has been a strain because we have to provide all of his personal items, clothes, entertainment and meals on the weekends. I have so much respect for my mom I don't know how she did this for 56 years.  But that's what families do, right,  you see need you step in and take care of it.

Mom was released from the rehab after 4 months despite me begging the doctors to keep her for long term care.  She eventually moved back to her home which caused me months of sleepless nights and constant worry.  She was very angry at me and my husband because we refused to bring my brother back to Alabama.  I still wanted her out of her house.  She came to North Carolina with my daughter to visit for Christmas and I thought things were going to turn out ok because she told me she was staying.  After two weeks she got angry and demanded to go home,  so my husband took her back.

The next few months were hell.  After months of dealing with doctors and social workers to convince her she had to go into placement it finally happened in June 2011.  She is not happy that she is in nursing care but it's the best placement for right now.  I feel guilty about that too.  Ideally I would love for her to be in North Carolina with my brother, but her medical condition does not allow for her to live in the home with him  and she is not able to get around in my house nor stay alone during the day while we work. 

The decision to place a family member in a care facility is  very tough.  What I have learned over the last 12 months is that doing the right thing is not always easy.  Sometimes in life difficult choices have to be made and it's a lot easier if you have someone standing by you to help make those choices.