Dysfunctional or Abusive?

My daughter brought my mom to visit for the Thanksgiving weekend.  We were glad she decided to come because the thought of her spending the holiday at the nursing home was depressing.  I was feeling apprehensive about the visit because over the last 15 years holidays for my family have just not been the same.  The night usually ends with some family member in an argument with another.  This year I was hoping would be different since it's the first time I've had any family members at my house for the holiday.  The night didn't end with an argument but it did involve some very negative talk.  Which is what lead to this blog.

I've had a few days to think about my situation with my mom and I have come to the conclusion that she is verbally abusive to me and others that care about her.  She was not this way when I was growing up at least not to me.  But since my 20's when I first got married and moved away from home, moved back home, had my daughter and divorced,  she has been verbally abusive to me.  I used to just think I had a dysfunctional relationship with her , but after last weekend i've realized that it is much more than just dysfunction.  She always takes her anger out on me, hurling nasty insults my way.  Over the years I have been called every bad name you can think of and cursed and not to mention hung up on a number of times.  I used to think that it was my fault  that maybe the insults were deserved because I made bad choices in my adult life.  She would constantly mention all the mistakes I made and accuse me of being a bad mother.  It would hurt of course and I would cry for days and I even began to think of myself as a failure.  And like any other abusive relationship  she would always apologize and say she did it "to help me"  because she knew I was stressed. 

I am much stronger now and I realize that I am not a failure nor am I a bad mother.  I don't argue with her but I also don't give in to her negative behavior.  I love my mother with all my heart and I would do anything for her except move her into my home.  She has several medical conditions and I can't take care of her because I work.  But the real issue is the fact that I don't think I could mentally deal with her.  It has taken me 15 years, medication and therapy to get to the point that I can just ignore her behavior.  I don't think i'm strong enough to endure constant negativity day in and day out.  I want to continue having a relationship with my mom so I think the best thing is for her to continue living in nursing care.  I do intend to move her to a facility in my area so I can see her more often and she can visit with my brother.  I'm not sure if this makes me a bad person or not, but I think at some point you have to decide what's best for you and your well being. 

I hope this post doesn't make me seem like a heartless daughter.  I love my mom and I continue to talk with her everyday. I always end the conversation with I love you and I mean it.  I just wish that she would stop being to negative and let me live my life and be happy for a while.    I've tried so  hard to be a loving, understanding mother to my daughter.  I've tried to let her know it's ok to live her life and be happy even if it's hundred of miles away from me.  I want her to know that it's ok and i'm not angry at her for wanting a life.  I've tried so hard to do this one thing for my daughter  because my mom never did it for me.

Mother and Brother

Over the past 12 months my mother went from primary caregiver for herself and my mentally disabled brother to a nursing home and it has not been easy.  She suffered a stroke and  heart attack in August 2010.  We were very grateful that my brother was there, although he panicked, he knew to go next door and get her neighbor.  They called 911 and got her to the hospital where she spent two weeks before being placed in a rehab center. 

My brother is the oldest of the six of us and was diagnosed with mental retardation and epilepsy at birth.  The doctors told my mom he would not live past the age of 2.  That was in 1954.  Because of my moms strong faith she never gave in to the things the doctors told her.  She took care of my brother and taught him to be as normal as possible.  She never allowed us to treat him different.  And believe me he got his fair share of spankings.  Over the years his epilepsy went from mild to severe but with medication it has been under control for years.  Because of his severe limitations and the seizures he has never been able to live on his own.  He is considered high functioning but mentally delayed. 

The months leading up to my moms stroke I had tried to convince her that they couldn't continue living in their home.  She has a number of health problems including blindness caused by Glaucoma not to mention the aging factor.  No matter how hard I begged for her to let me find placement for them or move them to North Carolina with me she would not budge.  During her hospital stay I made my move.  She was to be placed in nursing care for her rehabilitation period.  I worked with hospital social workers to get her placed.  Our original plan was to move my brother into the same facility with her so they could stay together.  However, those plans fell through because the state would not allow my brother to move to the facility because he was considered "high functioning".   That's when I started to panic.  I had been in Alabama for two weeks and once mom was placed in the rehab facility I needed to return to work.  At this point I had no idea what I was going to do about my brother.

I have other siblings in Alabama but their homes were not big enough or their schedules would not permit them to help with my brother.  I had no choice but to bring him back to North Carolina with me.  It was Labor Day weekend when we got home and luckily my husband had planned his vacation for the next two weeks.  That was great because it gave us two weeks to find somewhere for my brother.  My husband spent the first week of his vacation making phone calls to social service agencies in the area to assist with placement.  On Friday he struck gold.  He found an adult care home about 10 minutes from our home.  My brother would have his own room and someone to care after him 24 hours a day.  We worked out a schedule where he would stay at the care home Sunday evening to Friday afternoon of each week.  He spends the weekends at our house.  And if we decide we need a break or we have plans on the weekends he can stay at the care home.

We have adjusted to our new life.  Sometimes it's stressful because I feel guilty if I don't want to pick him up for the weekend. That is something I will have to continually work on.  And financially it has been a strain because we have to provide all of his personal items, clothes, entertainment and meals on the weekends. I have so much respect for my mom I don't know how she did this for 56 years.  But that's what families do, right,  you see need you step in and take care of it.

Mom was released from the rehab after 4 months despite me begging the doctors to keep her for long term care.  She eventually moved back to her home which caused me months of sleepless nights and constant worry.  She was very angry at me and my husband because we refused to bring my brother back to Alabama.  I still wanted her out of her house.  She came to North Carolina with my daughter to visit for Christmas and I thought things were going to turn out ok because she told me she was staying.  After two weeks she got angry and demanded to go home,  so my husband took her back.

The next few months were hell.  After months of dealing with doctors and social workers to convince her she had to go into placement it finally happened in June 2011.  She is not happy that she is in nursing care but it's the best placement for right now.  I feel guilty about that too.  Ideally I would love for her to be in North Carolina with my brother, but her medical condition does not allow for her to live in the home with him  and she is not able to get around in my house nor stay alone during the day while we work. 

The decision to place a family member in a care facility is  very tough.  What I have learned over the last 12 months is that doing the right thing is not always easy.  Sometimes in life difficult choices have to be made and it's a lot easier if you have someone standing by you to help make those choices.    

A Year of First

So happy I survived another year.  I'm healthy and happy with my life for the most part.  In the past year I have made difficult life changing decisions not only for myself but for other family members.  I realized that I am much stronger in some areas than I gave myself credit.

I usually spend my birthday reflecting on the past year while setting a goal to accomplish during the next year.  I never work on my birthday  it's my "NATIONAL" holiday.  I don't like big celebrations nor do I expect presents.  However, I do enjoy birthday greetings  from friends and family.  I usually start my day by taking myself to breakfast or lunch, totally depends on how late I sleep.  I usually take myself shopping for new clothes and in the past five years  I always buy a new pair of boots.  The boots are from my husband, I pick them and just tell him what he bought me.  That way I know it's  the perfect  pair.  I already have a pair in mind for this year. 

Last year my goal was to start my day with positive thoughts everyday.  This was not an easy task for me as I usually focus on the negative.  But I'm proud to say that on most days I accomplished this task.  My friends and family noticed that I had less bad days than I have in years.  I even encouraged others around me to think positive. This positive thinking was really important for me during my workday because people seem to really get on my nerves.  I'm happy to say I did not have any major blow-ups with anyone this year. I also accomplished my goal of going without hair.  I even went out for New Year's with no hair and I had a blast. 

My goal for this year's birthday is a year of first.  I am a fearful person by nature.  This way of thinking has caused me to miss out on so many opportunities.  I have never really traveled because I have a paralyzing fear of flying.  Well this year I am determined to take a flight.  It will be a short flight as it will be my first time.  I think if I can take one flight safely I will be able to do it again.  I am going on my first cruise in February.  And since I have to purchase a passport for the cruise, I really want to plan a trip to Canada in the near future.  I'm sure as the year progresses I will come up with more "first" to accomplish.  But for now I will start here. 

Happy Birthday to Me!!!!!!!!!

My Friendships

I started and stopped this blog three times before I decided which direction to take. Obviously this post is about people who I have formed a relationship. I've had many friends in my lifetime. It doesn't matter how they came into my life and why they left, at some point they all meant the world to me. I have friends in different age groups, different ethnic groups, even from different financial classes. The one thing they have in common is being my friend.

I have friends that I can go six months without talking or seeing but when we talk it's like we haven't missed a beat. Other friends I have a need to communicate with on a daily basis and if we don't talk it seems like a part of me is missing. Growing up I had a best friend who hurt and betrayed me when we were teenagers. That was the first time I experienced loss of a friendship. Unfortunately, that relationship also changed the way I approached friendships for many years to come. I would be friends with people but I would only let them in so far. I'm happy to say that over my lifetime I have only lost one friend to death and that happened earlier this year.

My daughter and I moved to Charlotte in 1995 after my now husband and I were engaged. He had friends in the area and they instantly became my friends. He was in the military at the time and so were all of my new friends. He left the Navy in 1997 and by then most of my new found friends were stationed in other places. It was no big deal not having friends to hang out and do things because at that time I was really busy with him and my daughter. My daughter started middle school in 1999. She was involved in lots of activities and my life revolved around her and her friends. That was fine but it was around that time I became fascinated with the Internet. So most of my friendships were in cyberspace. It was easy to log on to a chat room or forum and talk to people about what ever the days issues were. The only problem with online friendships is that they are just that, online. Again, not a real problem for me at the time. I did meet a friend that has been there for me over the years . We did eventually meet face to face and our friendship blossomed and is still going strong today. The real problem happened in 2006 when my daughter went away to college.

A few months after she was in college I realized that I literally had no friends to hang out and do things with except my co-workers. And don't get me wrong some of my closest and dearest friends are my co-workers. But I no longer had the kind of "girlfriend" relationships I had in the past. I didn't have anyone to confide in and share my personal problems. Some things are just not meant to be shared with the spouse lol. This started my journey to find friends. It's really not easy to make new friends as an adult. It's rather awkward when you think about it. So back to my trusty friend Mr. Computer. I found a wonderful website called Meet up.com. It was perfect for me. There I found groups of people just like me looking to make friends. The first groups I joined were for women only. They were fine at first then I realized that some women in their 30's and 40's are just like teenage girls, caddy, judgemental and clickish. I stuck with those groups for a few months before I started joining groups that were both male and female members and larger. That worked out to my benefit because I met another really good friend and we are still friends. She was going through issues of her own at the time and becoming the great independent strong woman she is today.

Since 2006 I am more outgoing and able to meet strangers and turn them into friends. I'm not as awkward as I was then and i'm ok going to parties or dinner alone because I know by the end of the night I will have made a new friend. The two really good friends I made through the internet each bring something different and special to my life. They know they hold a very special place in my heart and no matter what we will always be friends. I adoringy refer to them as my male and female BFF's. It is so awesome to have a female and male perspective with my issues. On occasion they both give me the same advice which also great because I know they are probably right. They are different in almost every way, different sex, different race, different backgrouds etc but they have one thing in common, they are my friends.

I'm not always the greatest friend but I do try extremely hard to be a good friend. If I call you a friend you get a part of me. So to all my friends, in person or in cyberspace, I love you all and I thank you for being my friend.

Hair

September 7th will be a special day for me.  It's my birthday but more importantly it will represent the one year anniversary of me showing the world my bald head. 

Every year for my birthday I set a goal to accomplish before my next birthday.  Last year my goal was to stop being ashamed of being bald and let the world in on my secret.  It took my several years to get to this point and now I want to share my story.


In 2006 I finally got the answer to my "hair" problem.  I lost my hair for the first time  in the early 90's.  It was gradual and not really a big deal.  In six months I went from shoulder length hair to very short hair that I couldn't even curl.  I like most people assumed the hair products my beautician used caused me to lose my hair.  So for the next six months no chemicals.  To my surprise it worked.  My hair grew back in a matter of months and life was good.  About three or four years later another episode of me losing my hair.  It was even worse this time.  I had gone through several different hair routines in the past years (natural, perms, braids etc)  so again was sure it was me damaging my hair and not taking care of myself.  So back to my ritual of no chemicals.  After a few months my hair had grown enough to add extensions (braids) . Every eight weeks for a year I spent hours getting my braids.  By the end of the year my hair was healthy and strong and back to shoulder length.  That was around 1997.

Around the year 2000 I noticed that my hair was thinning again so I decided to take control and get a very cute short textured hair cut.  I loved it!!! And no one could tell that my hair had thinned.  And then the worst happened.  I could no longer cover the patchy bald spots.  You could clearly see that I was losing my hair.  At this point I realize that something is seriously wrong so I schedule an appointment to see a dermatologist.  This was 2006. 

I remember that day like it was yesterday.   It was very hard for me to comprehend what the doctor told me,  "Roslyn, the hair you have lost will never grow back".  I remember looking at her thinking what the heck are you saying?  She went on to explain that I have an autoimmune disorder called Alopecia Areata.  Your body essentially attacks your hair follicles and causes hair loss. There is no cure and treatments are very expensive with no guarantee they will work.  I went home and cried for hours. 

Since my diagnosis I had worn wigs everyday outside of my home.  I would never let anyone see me without a wig except my husband and my daughter.  They were comfortable with my bald head.  I was worried if I went out without a wig or scarf people would feel sorry for me and assume I have cancer.  Although I have received the concerned cancer  question a few times  most people just compliment me by saying I look great. 
I am so proud of myself for accomplishing my goal.  I am no longer ashamed that I have no hair.  In fact most days I look in the mirror and think  maybe I am "pretty".  Whether you are male or female, young or old,  losing your hair is not an easy thing to deal with.   I have grown a lot in the last twelve months.  I find myself more outgoing and actually use my "baldness" as a conversation starter with new people.  Don't get me wrong, there are still days when I say it's not fair or why am I the only bald woman in the room . I think it's ok to be sad about my loss sometimes  but I try very hard not linger in that place. 

September is Alopecia Awareness Month.  Feel free to share my story with others that may be dealing with hair loss. 

On a side note, this is my first blog  ever!!!!!!