Dysfunctional or Abusive?

My daughter brought my mom to visit for the Thanksgiving weekend.  We were glad she decided to come because the thought of her spending the holiday at the nursing home was depressing.  I was feeling apprehensive about the visit because over the last 15 years holidays for my family have just not been the same.  The night usually ends with some family member in an argument with another.  This year I was hoping would be different since it's the first time I've had any family members at my house for the holiday.  The night didn't end with an argument but it did involve some very negative talk.  Which is what lead to this blog.

I've had a few days to think about my situation with my mom and I have come to the conclusion that she is verbally abusive to me and others that care about her.  She was not this way when I was growing up at least not to me.  But since my 20's when I first got married and moved away from home, moved back home, had my daughter and divorced,  she has been verbally abusive to me.  I used to just think I had a dysfunctional relationship with her , but after last weekend i've realized that it is much more than just dysfunction.  She always takes her anger out on me, hurling nasty insults my way.  Over the years I have been called every bad name you can think of and cursed and not to mention hung up on a number of times.  I used to think that it was my fault  that maybe the insults were deserved because I made bad choices in my adult life.  She would constantly mention all the mistakes I made and accuse me of being a bad mother.  It would hurt of course and I would cry for days and I even began to think of myself as a failure.  And like any other abusive relationship  she would always apologize and say she did it "to help me"  because she knew I was stressed. 

I am much stronger now and I realize that I am not a failure nor am I a bad mother.  I don't argue with her but I also don't give in to her negative behavior.  I love my mother with all my heart and I would do anything for her except move her into my home.  She has several medical conditions and I can't take care of her because I work.  But the real issue is the fact that I don't think I could mentally deal with her.  It has taken me 15 years, medication and therapy to get to the point that I can just ignore her behavior.  I don't think i'm strong enough to endure constant negativity day in and day out.  I want to continue having a relationship with my mom so I think the best thing is for her to continue living in nursing care.  I do intend to move her to a facility in my area so I can see her more often and she can visit with my brother.  I'm not sure if this makes me a bad person or not, but I think at some point you have to decide what's best for you and your well being. 

I hope this post doesn't make me seem like a heartless daughter.  I love my mom and I continue to talk with her everyday. I always end the conversation with I love you and I mean it.  I just wish that she would stop being to negative and let me live my life and be happy for a while.    I've tried so  hard to be a loving, understanding mother to my daughter.  I've tried to let her know it's ok to live her life and be happy even if it's hundred of miles away from me.  I want her to know that it's ok and i'm not angry at her for wanting a life.  I've tried so hard to do this one thing for my daughter  because my mom never did it for me.